Photograph by Dainis Graveris on SexualAlpha
Of all the things I write about, articles on threesomes consistently get the most clicks.
Having a threesome remains the top fantasy for most men and women – even though they are the fantasy most likely to go horribly wrong when acted out.
My column in the MailOnline this week is based on three women’s stories of how their threesome was life-altering – in both good and bad ways.
There wasn’t the place to give advice to people who want to have one: but here is.
Can I say straight up that, for the record, I don’t think a threesome is going to be the best idea you’ve had.
Possibly it’s the worst idea you’ve had.
But I also know there are lots of you who will have one regardless of the risks and if you’re intent on doing it, I’d like to offer some advice to make sure you at least do it in the least harmful way possible.
WHY YOU WANT TO DO IT
There are many compelling reasons why threesome’s cause problems: jealousy, awkwardness, insecurity, paranoia, performance anxiety.
But there are also things that appeal.
The main attraction is you’re the (imagined) centre of attention. Coming a close second is the fact that it’s still kind of taboo – even in today’s permissive society.
It’s twice the stimulation so surely twice the fun and if you’re bored silly with your sex life, at least it’s something new to do! Having more than one person want you, maybe even fight over you, is an ego boost.
Some find jealousy adds zing to tired relationships – others find it sexually arousing to see someone else make love to their partner. It makes them feel desirable, being with someone who is desired.
Some say it’s instructive to watch other people’s sexual techniques, others that they wanted to sleep with other people and it seemed more honest to do it in front of their partner and involve them. Some people indulge in threesomes with people they don’t have relationships with, because they want to try out things they don’t want to do with a life partner.
Group sex is all about instant gratification and it’s far less personal than the one-on-one variety. In fact, if you’re after no-strings sex without commitment or intimacy, a threesome is just perfect.
Not so perfect is the concept of giving into a threesome because you figure your partner’s going to cheat anyway and you’re better off letting them indulge the urge for some ‘strange’ together.
Or that you think your partner will leave if you don’t agree to having one.
You (hopefully) don’t need me to tell you these are NOT good reasons to proceed – and that you need to think carefully about staying in a relationship where someone makes you feel like this.
Again, there are lots of reasons why a threesome will damage your relationship (I talk more about who survives them best later), so think carefully.
If you do decide to proceed, here’s some tips:
HOW TO DO IT
Find someone to do it with
First up, you need to decide what combo you want – three men, three women, two men and one woman, two women and one man. Sexual preference obviously plays a part but always check which combination threesome you’re talking before you agree.
(Again obvious but more than a few jaws have dropped when someone of the ‘wrong’ sex arrives!)
Where to find them? You could try talking about threesomes to friends and see if anyone starts to suddenly drop by for unscheduled late night drinks. Just be warned sleeping with friends is by far the riskiest of all your options: if it’s a disaster or goes a little too well for one of you, the friendship is threatened.
You could hire a sex worker and meet them at a hotel. Anonymity, little risk of a relationship developing, everyone knows what they’re there for and you feel less obligation to keep going if you decide it’s not for you. Just pay her or him and leave. Even better, do all this while you’re overseas in a place where sex workers abound (Prague, Amsterdam).
Another alternative is to use one of the many websites and apps to find likeminded people. There are loads of them: 3some, good old Tinder, Feeld. Who knows how many of these will still be going by the time you read this. But if they aren’t, others will have taken their place.
Set the rules
Most importantly, talk through everything: What if one person wants to stop and the other doesn’t?
Come up with a code word (a ‘safe’ word) which means stop, if you too embarrassed to say ‘stop’ in front of the other person.
What happens if you want to do it again? With the same person? (Repeats tend to cause problems because emotions start getting involved.)
What if it becomes a regular habit? What’s on during it, what isn’t? Is kissing allowed? Oral, intercourse, anal? Who is having sex with who? Are there any combinations that are banned, or that you quite fancy?
It’s crucial to stick to these rules no matter how turned on you are. Your relationship is always more important than the sex you’re having.
Safe sex is a must. Always remember, condoms aren’t absolute protection against STI’s. Fingers, tongues, semen, skin to skin contact – all spread infection.
What to do during it
There are different ways to play it.
Some people have a threesome where one of you has sex with someone else while the other simply watches. (Common with couples where she wants to sleep with women and he’s happy to indulge her if he can watch.)
Another option is to ‘pair off’ while one watches, then you swap. The usual is to try to make sure all three play at the same time by making a chain – he’s licking her, she’s being licked and also fellating the third guy, for instance.
Make sure you balance the give-take ratio.
Then it’s up to you really to come up with combinations of oral, anal (previously agreed and defined whether it’s a tongue, finger, penis, vibrator/strap-on), intercourse, double penetration (usually one penis in a vagina, the other in the anus) etc.
Who survives a threesome?
A lot of gay men don’t just survive, they thrive! Especially if they’re not in a serious relationship. A fair few also don’t have problems with threesomes even when in a committed relationship.
Singles who sleep with couples or people they don’t know and will never see again. Even better if none of the three of you are involved. This is the least risky situation to be in.
Couples who aren’t exclusive and like rather than love each other.
Couples who are emotionally able to handle a one-off ‘treat’. This is more common than you think. One couple I know have a yearly trip to Prague to hire a sex worker.
Who doesn’t
Couples who are in love and find the reality of sharing too hard to cope with.
Couples where one partner feels pressured or threatened (‘If you won’t do it, someone else will’ or ‘I’ll leave you’).
When one partner’s doing it just because the other wants to.
When either of you are jealous, sexually insecure, have body or trust issues.
Couples who haven’t thought it through properly. Doing it on the spur of the moment, drunk or high, nearly always makes for the worst day-after-paranoia you’ve ever had.
