Photo by Yohann LIBOT on unsplash
I get asked a variation of this question around once a week and it makes me sad every single time.
Even in these enlightened times – when there is so much good, non-judgemental, practical information about sex so readily available – we all still buy into the same old myths that serve only to make us feel bad about ourselves.
So many (many) women feel guilty for being able to orgasm quickly and easily using a vibrator.
This is what a 50-year-old woman wrote to me this week:
“I can orgasm within minutes with a toy but when I try with my fingers it very rarely happens. When I do manage it, I have to watch a little bit of porn beforehand, something I never have to do with a toy.
“I have been seeing a guy now for a couple of months and he can’t make me orgasm, even though he turns me on massively. If I can’t make myself orgasm without a toy how am I ever going to be able to show him what gets me off?
“I’ve been divorced for the last 13 years and have been using toys to orgasm since then. Could this be the problem because I have been using them for so many years?”
This is what I have to say to this woman and all women who feel sexually inadequate for no reason.
First up, you should congratulate yourself for continuing to masturbate when you aren’t having sex with a partner. It’s what keeps your libido high and your genitals in good shape – not to mention providing significant physical and emotional benefits that orgasm brings.
Secondly, the reason you find having an orgasm so easy with a vibrator is because vibration is a highly effective way to stimulate the clitoris.
A soft, warm, experienced tongue runs a close second but, for most women, achieving orgasm using a vibrator is the quickest, most reliable method.
For many women, it’s the ONLY way they orgasm.
Nothing to feel guilty about at all: your body is simply responding as it should, to a method that works extremely well.
So, zero guilt for vibrator orgasms, right?
While some women are highly proficient at using their fingers to stimulate the clitoris, lots aren’t.
It’s a learned skill and, truth is, one we get lazy about developing because vibrators are so good at doing the work for us.
Using only a vibrator to orgasm WON’T stop you being able to do it with your fingers – it just means you’re out of practice.
It’s a good idea to try to mix up how you have your orgasms, anyway, so your body (and brain) doesn’t get stuck on the same neural pathway.
Use lots of lube, fantasise, watch porn or do whatever else makes you aroused, and then experiment with different strokes, pressure, speed and techniques until you find what works for you.
Yes, it will (usually) take longer using your fingers than with a vibrator but so what?
Sex is all about the journey not the orgasm.
Once you’re happy you know what you like and don’t like, that’s when it’s time to teach your new lover.
And if it turns out that you can’t achieve orgasm using just your fingers, be honest. Say, ‘I am so attracted to you and you turn me on so much. But I find I can only have an orgasm using my vibrator. Do you mind if we use the vibrator for a while, to finish me off, and see what happens over time?”
You mention just turning 50 in your longer email to me.
Age changes our bodies and sexual function and responsiveness. You might find it’s a lot to do with your nerve endings being less sensitive: HRT or an alternative could help with that.
(If you’d like to know more about hormones and sexual response in the second half of your life, my book Great Sex Starts at 50, has a whole lot of information.)
Most importantly – and it’s a message to all women reading this – please don’t judge yourself or your body for responding so well to vibration.
Vibrators are an extraordinary invention and many women wouldn’t be able to orgasm at all without them.
Feel glad that you have such an amazing machine at your disposal, rather than beat yourself up that it works so well!
