Photograph by Dainis Graveris on SexualAlpha
Almost all men, at some stage of their life, will have problems getting an erection.
For most, the first time this happens will be a catastrophy of stratospheric proportions.
It really isn’t though.
If I could achieve one thing in my lifetime as a sex educator, it would be to reassure men that you don’t need an erect penis to satisfy your partner sexually. And have them believe it.
This is what this blog is all about: how to have fantastic sex without his penis being the star.
I’ve aimed it at the partner, rather than the person with the non-erect penis, but it’s useful for everyone to read, regardless of gender and sexual orientation.
A zillion things interfere with a man’s ability to achieve an erection: too much alcohol, stress, anxiety, wanting to impress or please, fear, some medications, a bad diet…and the list goes on.
Men are humans, not robots. Penises sometimes don’t want to come out and play.
It’s no big deal – and, for many women, the sex is BETTER when it happens.
Here’s how to have great sex without an erection in sight, no Viagra required!
Let him know you can take care of yourself. If he knows you can climax through other means – a vibrator, him using his tongue or his fingers – the pressure for getting erect lessens.
Think slow and lazy. Take your time. Get naked. Have lots of deep kissing. Lie back in each other’s arms and pleasure yourself, either using your hands or a sex toy while they watch. Or let them do it. Remember sex doesn’t have to include an orgasm for each of you – or any orgasms at all. Take the pressure off.
Take a break from intercourse. Simply taking a break from the goal of having to perform works wonders.
Give sexual compliments. How much you love a certain part of their body. The way their skin feels. How they make you feel. How good they are at what they’re doing. Feeling loved, accepted and wanted sexually is a big part of sexual self-esteem for men.
Use lube. It makes everything feel better and any touch feel ten times better than it does without it.
Build desire. Don’t grab straight for his penis and start pumping. Excite his eyes by watching porn together or a sexy movie. Or let him watch you touch yourself. Kiss his neck. Cup his testicles. Grasp his penis and stretch the skin towards the scrotum to increase sensitivity. Do this a few times. Squeeze his nipples and cup his testicles. Make eye contact. Tell him what you’re going to do or how turned on it makes you feel.
If he keeps grabbing your hand and wanting you to go straight to pumping, tie his wrists together. Run your hand up his penis, hold it and squeeze. Then use your fingers to squeeze up and down the shaft.
Use firmer stimulation. Lots of men use quite vigorous stimulation when masturbating, so a gentler touch or a vagina doesn’t provide enough friction or pressure to get an erection the rest of the time. Get him to show you what technique he uses when he masturbates and put your hand on top of his to get a feel of how he uses his hand. Most important: watch where and how he first grips his penis and replicate. It makes all the difference.
Take your time. Some men need more and longer direct stimulation to achieve an erection or to become aroused than others. Make sure you’re comfortable and settle in, making it clear to him that he can relax, lie back and simply enjoy what you’re doing.
Slip on a ‘stroker’ or masturbatory sleeve. They’re soft tubes or sleeves, usually made of silicone, that you slide over the penis (add lube first), then slide up and down using your hand. Strokers instantly transform a ho-hum hand-job into the best he’s ever had because they intensify sensation.
Try a penis ring. They sit at the base of his penis to trap the blood inside, retaining an erection for longer.
Try a penis extender. They can help support a wobbly erection.
Press other hot spots simultaneously. Double stimulation is effective. While you’re working on his penis, put your hand on his lower belly and rub slowly but firmly to stimulate his inner penis. Or hold your hand in an L-shape on its side and position it between his legs, then push up firmly. This provides strong pressure on the perineum and base of his testicles.
Add some anal stimulation. Put a well-lubed finger inside his anus or insert a butt plug and leave it there while you stimulate him elsewhere. Vibrating prostate stimulators have revived many a man’s interest in sex (especially older men).
Penises make great masturbatory tools. Sit astride him, add lube then ‘wrap’ your labia around the shaft of his penis – it doesn’t matter whether he’s hard or soft – and grind against it. Lots of women can orgasm this way. Or use the oh-so-soft head to masturbate your clitoris.
Put it between your breasts, after adding lots of lube, and get him to thrust in between.
Use dildos. Take the pressure off both of you by investing in some dildos (glass dildos are both beautiful and versatile) and/or insertable vibrators so you aren’t reliant on his erection. Great for role-play, too. Or try a strap-on.
Stop chasing erections and start having fun. Try spanking each other. Have long, erotic oral sex sessions where you immerse yourselves into each other’s bodies. Give massages, play games.
Try doggy style if/when you’re ready to penetrate but spread your legs extra wide. If he loses his erection, he can pull out to stroke himself, hold his finger on the underside of the penis, acting like a splint, or grasp hard at the base for maximum control.
Your partner’s over 45? There’s a chapter on managing ED (Erectile Dysfunction) in my new book Great Sex Starts at 50.
