As over-excited teenagers, a snog and someone’s hand fiddling around ‘down there’ was enough to make us faint with pleasure.
Then along came oral sex and intercourse and both kissing and hand stimulation got struck off the agenda in favour of supposedly superior sensations.
Big mistake.
Not only is it silly to narrow our sexual repertoire rather than expand it, the humble old hand-job has several distinct advantages over the competition.
You don’t need condoms because it’s extremely low-risk safe sex (unless you’ve got cuts on your hands/penis/vagina, the risk of passing on infection is extremely low) making it a great way of dabbling sexually with a new partner until you’re ready for the intimacy of oral sex or penetration.
And you’re much more likely to get away with doing it in public (he’s driving and stuck in traffic/you’re on a plane, a blanket over both your laps).
A hand-job feels heavenly and is versatile: with one hand on your genitals, another caressing elsewhere, a tongue in your mouth and lips pressed against yours, you’re drowning in a sea of sensations because you’re getting it from all sides, all at once.
Ready to revamp an old classic into your New Favourite Thing?
Here goes…
THE BASICS
Err, how do I do this again?
Don’t be embarrassed to admit you haven’t a clue what you’re doing – he’ll be more than happy to demonstrate. (You’d be hard pressed to find a man who won’t admit he’s been doing it since age seven.)
Get him to show you what rhythm, speed and pressure he likes by putting your hand over his as he masturbates himself. When you think you’ve got it figured, swap hands so your hand’s now underneath and his is on top.
Ask for feedback if you’re doing it right. If he’s too shy, hand-feed him by asking: “Harder? Faster? Slower?” and look for a nod or shake of the head.
Use lubricant
Sometimes a combination of saliva and pre-ejaculatory fluid (the stuff that comes out when he’s excited but before orgasm) is enough to keep things nice and slippery.
Always a good idea though to keep a tube of personal lubricant nearby.
A dry hand-job is a miserable, uninspired, often painful affair. A wet one is indescribably good if done well.
Get comfy
Forget him lying on the bed and you lying beside him.
Instead, straddle his chest and face towards his penis or get him to kneel on the bed in front of you or stand in front of the bed while you sit on it.
All three mean you can use both hands without losing balance and easily touch his testicles, bottom, perineum, nipples, lower tummy and inner thighs.
All deserve attention and you’ll be more inclined to take your time and really spoil him if you’re in a position which allows for maximum comfort. Change hands often to avoid cramps.
The basic stroke
Use one hand to hold the penis steady, around the shaft, use the other to slide up and down the shaft in a whole hand loose fist movement, closing your fist gently but firmly as it slides up and over the head.
Get the pressure right
Too gentle can feel a bit ‘nothing’ but too firm can hurt!
If in doubt, start off gentle and ask him if it’s hard enough. (As before, get him to put his hand over yours to show you.)
One word of warning here: it’s easy to get a little carried away once you get into the swing of it.
If you’re starting to think of his penis as a big bendy plaything and at the point where you’re wondering if you could twist it to make an animal, like they do with balloons, best stop right there.
Penises are human flesh and – even more surprising – attached to an owner. (Yes, he is still there as well!)
Feel the rhythm
The trick is to start off s-l-o-w and t-e-a-s-i-n-g-l-y tortuous, then speed up as he moves toward orgasm.
Going too fast too soon usually does one of two things (and neither are fab): 1. he becomes insensitive to your touch 2. he gets sore and become oversensitive.
A good hand-job is like a good movie. It starts off nice and slow and interesting, then builds steadily to a glorious climax – not forgetting some interesting twists and turns along the way.
My hand’s about to fall off!
Removing both hands and massaging them while saying ‘Owww!’ and rocking back and forth isn’t the sexiest sight in the world. Besides, you can’t just leave him well… hanging.
Instead, give your fingers a rest by simply wrapping them around his penis, holding firm and holding still. Give each hand a rest in this way, using the spare one to explore his testicles and perineum until you’re ready to start again.
Even if you’re not feeling numb or tired, stopping for a minute or so can up the tension nicely, so don’t feel guilty.
What now? Looks like he’s about to….
It depends a lot on the individual as to what sort of stimulation he wants just before, during and after orgasm.
Most men prefer you to increase the pressure and rhythm significantly for the few seconds before orgasm and ejaculation, then slow it right down and go gentler during it.
Just don’t stop completely!
After orgasm, plenty of men are ultra-sensitive which means that loving squeeze could have him shooting through the ceiling rather than leaning over for a grateful smooch.
Don’t fuss over the clean-up
Seriously, that eeww-how-gross-is-this thing really is childish.
EIGHT TECHNIQUES TO REVAMP THE CLASSICS
Make pastry
Place his penis in between your two flat palms, fingers extended so your hands are straight.
Now roll them as if his penis is pastry. Great if he’s having erection problems, feels damn fine even if he’s not.
Run rings around him
Make sure he’s well-lubricated then make two rings around his penis with the thumb and index finger of each hand.
Place them next to each other in the middle of the shaft, then continually slide in opposite directions simultaneously.
Play Twister
Triple the sensation of the basic stroke (see above) by twisting your hand as you reach the part where the head meets the shaft.
This applies extra stimulation to the frenulum (the small area of puckered skin on the underside of the penis) which is packed with nerve endings and supersensitive.
The mini-massage
Here, you’re using the same technique you would to massage his back but on a much smaller area.
Start with both thumbs placed in the middle of the base of his penis on the underside (the side closest his testicles). Now gently push your thumbs, massaging upward and outward, always returning to the centre and working up the shaft as you go.
Tease for tension
Build up to a constant rhythm, then slow it right down and ease the pressure to frustratingly light for the count of 10 every few minutes. Repeat at least four times.
Pull his hair
Tug gently but rhythmically on his pubic hair, starting by gently pulling a few strands between your thumb and forefinger, then pulling larger amounts and using all fingers against your thumb.
Because his penis extends inside, as well as out, this massages the internal part.
Use props
Wear some long slippery silk gloves or use your scrunchie and move it up and down the shaft.
Going down
Imitate the sensation his penis gets during intercourse by using a downward motion.
Make sure both your hands (or his penis) are well lubricated, then make a loose fist and slide one hand down from the head to the shaft, placing the other hand at the top before the first hand finishes, to create a constant motion. One hand slides down as the other moves up to replace the first.
Close your fist as it travels over the head.
