Threesomes consistently top the ‘Fantasies I’d most like to take through to reality’ list for both sexes.
But there’s an enormous difference between watching one online and having one in reality. Of all the fantasies couples choose to act out, inviting another person into your bed is the one most guaranteed to go wrong – and most likely to have negative effects on your relationship long-term.
Not such a good (cheap) idea for hubby’s Xmas present after all!
Listen, lots of people enjoy threesomes on a regular basis and manage them perfectly well.
But it takes a certain type of couple and a certain type of personality to deal with the potential fallout. If you’re thinking of having one for the first time, here’s some of the potential pitfalls you should think through before going there.
WHAT’S LIKELY TO GO WRONG
You feel jealous
The obvious, most glaring reason threesomes backfire is that couples who love each other usually have a hard time seeing their partners with someone else.
Most of us are pretty territorial about relationships and our partners and not used to sharing them. No matter how much you’ve imagined it, you can’t really prepare yourself for what it feels like to watch someone else kiss or touch someone you love.
Threesomes are awkward
The fantasy and reality are usually miles apart because things always go a lot smoother in our heads than it does in the bed.
Unless you’re doing it with someone who’s done it before, no-one really knows who’s supposed to do what to who or when if it’s your first time.
Polite couples can find it turns into a ‘No, you go’, ‘No, no, you go’. Meanwhile the third person’s rolling their eyes and examining their nails.
You both feel self-conscious
Sure, you’ve made love with your partner before but you’ve not had them watch you from a distance.
They’ve felt what you do but not seen what you do: what if you look fat/silly/decidedly unsexy?
And what if the third person thinks that killer signature sex move your partner loves is rubbish? Will they then think you’re bad in bed?
Performance anxiety is common for both men and women – especially if you’re not terribly experienced.
No-one wants to be the one doing all the work
Most of us cast ourselves in the taking role when we imagine a threesome. And get a bit put out when we realize this isn’t necessarily the case.
He can’t rise to the occasion
Men often feel under so pressure to perform with two women, they can’t get an erection at all.
His sexual confidence is then shattered to smithereens (What on earth does he tell the lads?) and the ramifications can be dire.
The best way to ensure impotence isn’t recurring is to forget about the time he had a one-off problem. Pretty hard to forget about this one!
She seems to like it a little too much
Men often fare worse in threesomes for lots of reasons.
Lesbians consistently rate highest for the group most happy with their sex life.
Watching your wife or girlfriend have more – or more intense orgasms – with a woman than she’s ever had with you, is another nail in the coffin of sexual confidence.
It’s not all about you
If it’s a male/male/female combo, watching your boyfriend or husband interact with another man can also be quite a shock.
In your fantasy, both the men focus on you. (That’s sort of the point, after all) “I watched my man’s hand reach over to grab the other guy and then lean forward for a kiss and I was so shocked I got up and left the room and never went back,’ is a common reaction.
Even if you can handle it, thoughts of ‘Is he bi-curious or secretly gay?’ can plague you afterward.
Three is an odd number
There’s three of you in the bed, not two or four, so one person will sometimes feel left out – and start getting paranoid.
Do they fancy the new person more than you? Are they enjoying themselves more with them than they do with you? Is this person better in bed? Is the new person acting like your partner’s the best thing in bed since the vibrator? Catch a glimpse of chemistry between the two of them that’s missing in your relationship and suddenly it’s not half as much fun. Lots of people are well aware of this and find themselves inhibited for fear of upsetting their partner. And if you can’t let loose and enjoy yourself, what’s the point?
You’re drunk
Lots of people end up in a threesome drunk or high on drugs.
Both can work wonders to reduce inhibition.
Trouble is your judgement – crucial in situations like this – disappears faster than your clothes.
The ability to ‘read’ your partner – who may be less into it than you are – is fatally flawed.
Sometimes people keep going out of sheer ‘politeness’ or because they think their partner’s enjoying it and might get annoyed if they stop.
You both need one eye focused on your partner the entire time – especially if it’s your first time – to check they really are fine. If you’re seeing six in the bed and having trouble focusing on anything, you’re in trouble.
Someone gets blamed
If the experience wasn’t great, someone always gets blamed.
Even if you both came up with the idea together (which rarely happens, by the way), it’s a natural human instinct to want to take it out on someone.
This might be you or your partner – either way, not huge fun.
Trust is broken
Even if you’ve both agreed to have a threesome, lots of people say the ‘trust bond’ is broken after it.
If the threesome was with someone you know, any future contact could now been seen as a desire for a repeat performance or that your partner’s secretly fallen for them and wants to leave you for them.
You both feel ashamed afterward
Lots of people feel guilty, cheap’ or disgusted with themselves afterward.
Sometimes, those feelings kick in during it: once you’ve had an orgasm, it can very quickly change from sexy to sordid.
If you’ve both read all this and still think you can handle it, go right ahead.
At least you’ll be going in with your eyes wide open!
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